Alphabet Roulette – A Love Poem
by Liisa House

Words swarm around me
And get stuck between my toes.
        I’VE MADE A MISTAKE
And get silenced in your deaf ears.
             LISTEN

Words swim around me.
Sometimes I am drowning in them
             I REGRET

I swim, swarm and spin (in) these words
Into a thick alphabet soup
        CONFUSION, QUESTIONS, COMPLIANCE

Words stump me and stunt me
I can’t find the right ones to win
this game of questions and accusations
       I’M SORRY, YOU’RE RIGHT

I search for words
Like I search for the perfect fall leaves in the woods off thirty third avenue
                          I LOVE YOU

Which ones should I choose?
             MY HUSBAND, PARTNER, LOVER
Which ones would you recognize for their beauty and meaning?
             WE ARE SOULMATES

I give up my voice and opt for silence
because I need to choose my words (too) wisely;
I cannot let them fly past my tonsils and into open space
In any order or any one of them
             (SILENCE)
Some are sharp and will injure
Leaving scars
indelible in your memory
And resonant in my psyche

Others are not strong enough to survive the journey
From the fire in my head and heart to the public
Unforgivable airspace;
        FORGIVE ME, I’M STUBBORN

They will vanish or crumble before I can fully pronounce them
on my tongue and between my teeth.
        IT’S MY FAULT

Others still are hurtful and unpredictable;
Choking me when I pronounce them,
And spew them from my breath.
         OUR SECRETS         YOUR REGRET         MY BETRAYAL

Others dissolve on my cheeks
Words like
                UNDERSTAND ME,
                                        HEAR ME
                                                            WHO AM I (TO YOU)?

I cannot contain all these words,
Cannot select carefully enough
To choose just the few
To deliver, cleverly and thoughtfully packaged.
        YOU ARE THE BEST MAN I KNOW

I am a woman, wordsmith,
writer-wife-with-words
liberated and trapped by the sounds of my language.
They betray often in conversations when I really need them,
They betray me in my throat and on my cheeks and in my chest
(When and) where they get lodged.

Scalded
Bubbling-boiling-over alphabet soup
Conversations and communications

I’d eat my words,
take them back to digest
If only it would change their taste.